The Magic is in the Hair!
by Roxius
Summary: A Class of 3000 fic. Philly Phil dies, comes back as a evil cyborg, and a whole lot of other stuff happens. It's a giant crack fic that makes absolutely no sense, but hopefully is good enough for a few laughs. Please R & R! ON HIATUS!
1. Holy Homosexuals, Batman!

_Thursday, 6:10 a.m…._

"The magic is in my hair!" The moment that Philly Phil shouted those words, it was apparent that something was wrong. Sunny placed his hands on the bass guitar player and said, "I think you need to take a brake, son…"

Phil slapped his hands away and shouted, "DON'T YOU FOOLS UNDERSTAND? MY HAIR IS THE POWER THAT GIVES ME INTELLIGENCE! HELL, WITHOUT MY HAIR, YOU WOULD ALL BE SUCKING YOUR NIPPLES WITH A STRAW!"

Everyone in the music room was quite shocked after that. Phil laughed mainiaclly as he pulled out a jetpack and flew out the window, cuasing several sharp pieces of glass to get stuck in his face.

Sunny and his students watched in silence as Phil, who's eyes were gorged out, flew straight into an oncoming truck. Lil' D scratched his head and muttered, "Damn, that was fucked up!"

"I'm starting to think this fic isn't going anywhere…" said Eddie. Kim flicked Eddie in the back of the head and exclaimed, "OF COURSE IT ISN'T GOING ANYWHERE, YOU IDIOT!" Eddie did not taking being yelled at so lightly.

"CHIDORI!!!" In a flash, Kim was sent flying into the wall by a ball of lightening. Eddie did a pose and shouted, "HOW YA LIKE THAT, BITCH?"

Suddenly, Madison had an idea. "LET'S DO A NINJA BATTLE!!" she shouted as she threw three kunai into Lil' D's face. The young drummer rolled on the floor screaming in pain while Madison tried to apologize.

Kim slammed her foot against Eddie's face and Kam tried to dodge Tamika's Galic Gun attack.

Sunny sighed and left to get his marijuana and sleep pills…

Meanwhile…

in the deepest regions of the underworld, an evil plot was forming. The Demon King, Dabura, stood over his servants as they began to add cybernetic attachments to Philly Phil's mangled body.

Dabura's mouth stretched out into a wide grin, revealing all of his black, sharp teeth. Dabura took a sip of wine and said, "Soon…when this boy is complete, I will finally have the weapon I need to take over the living world!"

One of the Demon King's servants decided to be bold. He tapped Dabura on the shoulder and asked, "How is this boy going to be of use, sir?" Dabura chuckled slightly and replied, "This boy possesses some magical energy within his hair! We can use the magic to break open the barrier and declare war on the humans!"

"Then…why are we turning the boy into a cyborg if we just need his hair?" replied the servant.

"To make things interesting, of course! Now stop bothering me, you worthless shit!" Dabura kicked the servant into a pool of molten lava and walked off to take his daily nap. As soon as the king was gone, Philly Phil's eyes snapped open.

Philly Phil lifted his right cybernetic arm and sliced one of the servants in two. The other servants shrieked in horror and tried to run away. Philly Phil ripped off the chains that held him and stood up.

Philly Phil sneered and a glazed look formed over his eyes as he began to blow the servants to pieces, sending blood everywhere. When the carnage was over, Philly Phil just wiped the blood off and kicked a severed head out of the way.

Only one thought entered his mind, 'KILL! KILL! KILL!'

* * *

A/N: Should I continue or not? 


	2. It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time!

_Last time on 'THE MAGIC IS IN THE HAIR!', Japanese Warlord Donkey-Boobs was declaring a peaceful dance club with the society of-_

_Wait, wrong story._

After fighting like total maniacs for three hours, the students decided to act like little jackasses and cause trouble. "Woo! SHOOT ME IF YOU DARE!" taunted Kim as she hung from the American Flag pole.

Unfortunately for both her and the Board of Ed., the new security guard they hired at the school was a little…gun-crazy. "DIE, BITCH, DIE!!!" screamed the security guard as he fired random bullets from his Machine Gun.

With amazing grace and speed, Kim dodged every single bullet. The guard let out a sigh and exclaimed, "It seems you have beaten me again, Sigma-Denko Queen of the Honey Bees!"

"What the crap are you talkin' about?" asked the Japanese girl as she took a swig of beer from her casket. "I'm talking about the giant Honey Bee-shaped warship that's coming this way!" Kim looked out the window and gasped. "Oh my gosh! A bug hit the window!" she cried.

The security guard slapped his forehead in disbelief and shouted, "LOOK THE OTHER DIRECTION, YOU IDIOT GIRL!" Kim did as told and, just as the old man had said, she saw a huge Honey Bee-shaped warship coming this way.

Without another word, Kim quickly ran off to find the others, leaving the security guard to be devoured savagely by twelve mutated cupcakes.

Meanwhile…

Philly Phil was at a bookstore, looking for the latest issue of 'PORN FOR KIDS' magazine. Luckily, his new cybernetic eye helped him locate the magazine in only five seconds. Just as Phil reached out to grab it, he felt someone tap his shoulder.

It was one of the employees. "Excuse me, sir," he said, "But in case you didn't read the sign, it says that mechanized attachments are not allowed! So, I ask you to please-"

Philly Phil cut the man off by crushing his throat. After buying the magazine, Philly Phil flew off to his house so he can hide in his dark, dark room and read his porn in peace…

Elsewhere…

After hours of searching, Kim finally found Kam and Madison making out near the riverbed. Kim got close to them and shouted, "STOP TASTING EACH OTHERS' MOUTHES FOR A MOMENT SO WE CAN GO AND SAVE THE UNIVERSE…AGAIN!!" Madison have Kim the finger and continued to make out with Kam.

After introducing Madison and Kam to Kim's friend named 'Mr. Hammer', the Japanese girl was walking down the interstate highway dragging two half-naked kids. 'I wonder where Eddie is?' she wondered as a bus suddenly ripped Kam from her grasp. Kim just shrugged as she watched her brother be dragged away by a vehicle going over 50 miles an hour.

Now, let's focus on someone else, shall we?

Sunny Bridges, the man who created the traditional pie, was busy stoning himself with any illegal drug he could find in the school. Just as he was about to grab a bag of the principal's marijuana, two policemen zapped him with a taser gun and dragged him away…


	3. Elephants and Monkeys love Ed

_Route 66, the 'Pee-Hole' Diner, 5:12 p.m._

After four hours of going on a long, well-drawn, super-violent chase scene, Kim finally caught up to the malevolent bus that had kidnapped her brother. Kim set her motorcycle to 'stun' mode, left Madison in the trunk, and walked into the bar.

Her original goal was forgotten once again when she saw Eddie drowning his sorrows in beer. Kim sat next to Eddie and asked, "I know I'm gonna regret asking, but why are you trying to fill your stomach with alcoholic beverages that will eventually seep into your blood stream and cause you to lose focus of your life, which, in turn, will bring you to walking into a busy street and get killed?"

Eddie took another swig of beer. He let out a small burp before replying, "Tamika says she don't love me no more…" Kim slapped her forehead in disbelief and shouted, "YOU FRICKIN' RETARD! SHE **NEVER **LOVED YOU!!" "Then why does it hurt so much?" Before Kim could smack Eddie to his senses, the poor gay rich boy curled up into a ball and cried.

Kim sighed and left Eddie to live in his own sadness, never to find love or happiness. Suddenly, Kim remembered something important. 'Why did I need to save my jackass of a brother again?'

Meanwhile…

Sunny Bridges was left to rot in the county jail. "THIS IS ALL A MISTAKE! THOSE LITTLE DEMONS WE CALL 'CHILDREN' SET ME UP! THEY'RE THE DRUGGERS, NOT ME!!!" screamed the ex-musician as he shook the jail bars like a madman.

A policeman zapped Sunny with a Taser gun and exclaimed, "Shut your doped-up mouth so we can analyze your doped-up DNA to find out what doped-up town you were freakin' doped-up in….doping up!" Sunny chuckled and replied, "You, sir, are an imbecile." "I SAID SHUT UP!" The policeman tried to zap Sunny again, but Sunny quickly tapped three pressure points on the guard's arm, rending it useless.

The policeman shouted every curse word known to man as Sunny snatched the Taser gun away. A few seconds later, Sunny Bridges walked away from a pile of dust that _USED _to be a police station. Sunny placed a stick of marijuana in his mouth and began humming gleefully.

He looked up into the night sky and one thought crossed his mind. 'Is Sora really as gay as Riku says?'


	4. Hell Finally Froze Over!

_Elsewhere, in a little place called Shiela-ville, a certain drummer boy was fighting the forces of darkness…_

High above the small city, a news helicopter flew overhead, catching every minute of the action.

The news reporter, a man named Kristine, turned to the camera and said, "You won't believe what's going down here, folks! A young boy is fighting a army of giant silver robots who claim to be Marc Anthony and his singing boy band, the Twits! Let's get a closer look, shall we?"

The camera zoomed in, showing Lil' D kicking serious robot ass. With amazing vigor, Lil' D slashed one of the robots apart with his bare hands. Two of the robots fired a barrage of bullets at the drummer, who easily dodged all of them.

"HOW YOU LIKE THAT, YOU STUPID ROBOTS? CAN YOU SMELL WHAT THE EARTH IS COOKIN'?" He shouted into the heavens, completely unaware that he was about to be impaled. Suddenly, in a matter of seconds, Lil' D dodged the attack and ripped off the head of the robot.

Once the battle was over, the news reporter jumped out of the helicopter to greet Lil' D, except he forgot he was still 30 feet in the air. Lil' D just shrugged and muttered, "Ain't my problem…"

And with that, he started heading back home. Suddenly, Lil' D realized something. 'What the hell was I doing here anyway?' he asked himself as he slowly walked out into open traffic.

Meanwhile…

The Sigma-T Rex Jockey Lord of the Alien Bees wasn't a happy camper at the moment. "WHY THE HELL DOES IT TAKE US OVER A WEEK TO MOVE A MILE IN EARTH TIME?" shouted the furious alien. The entire Bee Alien War Ship shook with his anger.

"Well…you could read some Full Metal Alchemist manga, sir…" suggested one of the workers. Sigma-T crushed the worker's head and looked to his wife, the Marice. "What do you think we should do to pass the time, my wife?"

The Marice giggled and held up a condom, waving it gently near his face. Suddenly, Simga-T understood what she was trying to say. "YOU'RE SAYING WE SHOULD PLAY TENNIS WHILE WE WAIT? AWESOME IDEA, MY WIFE!" The Marice just sighed as her husband ran off to get the tennis rackets…

Okay, now we end this chapter and-

"HOLD IT!" Kim shouted. Her dress was covered in bloody stains and her hair was a mess. "YOU CAN'T END IT YET, ASSHOLE! I'M THE MAIN CHARACTER HERE, SO I SAY-"

You aren't the main character…

"Crap…"

Suddenly, the song 'Simple and Clean' begins to play…


	5. Rabbits and Pinecones suck!

"Slowly, slowly, slowly…the darkness grew in Mai-Jong's heart grew…controlling his thoughts…his emotions…forcing him to commit horrible deeds…bringing the foundation of the entire city to a flame, destroying all that came in his way…"

Suddenly, a shoe flew out of nowhere and smacked Philly Phil in the face. "SHUT UP, DAMN IT! I'M TRYING TO STUDY!" shouted Phil's older brother, Hubo, from behind the door. Phil just sighed and put his porn mag away.

He had been sitting in his dark, dark room for the last five hours, and not even a single soul came to check up on him! Philly Phil pulled out a laptop from under his Heartless-infested bed and opened up 'Internet Explorer'. His fingers moving quickly, Phil went to 'Google' and typed in two words:

'XENOMORPH RENTAL'…….

* * *

Madison slowly opened her eyes and groaned. 'God, why do I feel like someone wacked me over the head with Mr. Hammer?' she wondered. She opened the top of the motorcycle's trunk and climbed out. The first thing she saw was Tamika's dead mangled body on the ground. "OH MY GAWD! U IZ PWNED! LOL! ROFL ROFL!!" cried the ditzy blond girl.

Suddenly, Madison realized that she was stuck in the middle of Route 66, surrounded by fat old men, and one of her only friends is dead. Madison sighed and knew there was only one thing to do. She pulled out a cell phone and typed in a series of numbers. After a moment, Madison put the phone up to her ear and said, "Yo, Murdoc? It's me, Madison! Yeah, can you send 2-D over her to pick me up? ….NO, MURDOC, I WILL NOT MAKE YOU A SANDWICH! JUST…SEND 2-D OVER HERE! YEESH!" Madison closed her phone and muttered, "No good lousy son of a-"

"MADISON-CHAN!!" Madison snapped out of her furious rage as Kim suddenly glomped her. Madison pushed Kim off and shouted, "THERE YOU ARE, YOU FUCKING BITCH! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! I COULD HAVE BEEN LOSING MY VIRGINITY TO KAM RIGHT NOW, BUT YOU HAD TO KIDNAP ME!!! …….Anyway, where's Kam?"

Kim stood up and replied, "Well, I'll answer two things. One, I took your virginity two weeks ago, okay? Second, I lost Kam. Sorry!" Madison tried her best not to violently shred Kim's entire body to bloody pieces. Madison's psycho-meter was becoming dangerously full. To continue the chapter, Madison took a few deep breaths and calmed herself by thinking of puppies and oceans.

When Madison was finally done, she turned to Kim, who was pulling a knife out of Tamika's dead body. The knife had the words 'Eddie, bitch!' inscribed into it. "So…you have no idea where Kam is?" Kim shook her head and pointed to the 'Pee-Hole', saying, "Well, I think he's in there…"

Madison grinned and she donned her Solid Snake outfit, complete with the headband and the beard. "LET'S GO KICK SOME ASS!! METAL GEAR-STYLE!" "Who can I be? Who can I be?" Kim asked. Madison thought for a moment as Kim ran around in circles like a constipated wiener dog.

"I got it!" Madison exclaimed, "You can be Naked Snake!" Kim shouted with glee and threw off all her clothes, officially becoming "Naked Snake". Madison slapped Kim across the face and shouted, "You don't get naked, you idiot! Here, just put these on!"

Kim put on the clothes handed to her and said, "Hey, these are Liquid Snake's clothes!" "Oh, who gives a fuck? Let's just go save Kam!" Kim agreed with Madison's aggressive suggestion and the two girls ran into the diner, guns a-blazing.

Madison and Kim suddenly stopped when they saw Kam standing over the horribly mangled bodies of the bikers. Kam's hair was bright yellow and he was surrounded in a golden aura. "Dude…what the fuck happened to you?" asked Kam's sister.

Kam's hair turned back to its original state and he said, "Oh, I just killed this dumb asses by going Super Sayian on them! I am Vegeta's biological son, you know!" Madison shot Kam in the head and dragged him away as she waited for 2-D to arrive.

Kim just shrugged and walked off into the sunset, hoping that someone dropped a stray taco somewhere…


	6. Chapter 645 OO CCCCT

_In Idaho, New Jersey… _

For the last month, Eddie has been on the run from the police for killing Tamika. However, he did not know that no one cared that Tamika was dead and a lot of people actually thought of him as a hero. During his run from the law, Eddie had grown a beard and has learned the ways of the Sith.

After running into a creepy old pervert named Darth Sidious, Eddie learned that he must go to Idaho, New Jersey to create a Sith Lightsaber so he could cut stuff up! As Eddie looked at a map, he muttered, "I bet that old pervert was lying to me!" Eddie tossed the map on the ground and stomped away, not noticing sign that said: 'Sith Cave: 2 feet from current position, dumbass!'

* * *

Meanwhile, Madison was sitting with 2-D, Russell, Noodle, and Murdoc in their car. Suddenly, the song '19-2000' began to play. Soon, the crew found themselves driving on a long, spiraling highway. Slowly, a large moose came into view and-

"STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC VIDEO!!!" Madison shrieked. She grabbed 2-D's Ipod and tossed it out into the street. 2-D let out a small whimper as the band drove away, leaving the ipod to its fate…

* * *

Sunny Bridges realized that he could not be a music teacher anymore. Not only was he now considered a criminally insane drug addict, but also all of his students were missing! So, with nothing left to do, Sunny visited a good friend of his named 'Neo'. After forcefully kicking down the apartment door, Sunny stepped into Neo's room to find his friend to be writing something.

"Yo, Neo! You still fighting' Smith?" Neo, a young black-haired man in a suit, looked up at his old friend and said, "Hey, Sunny! You still an insane drug addict/molester that teaches children to be one with their inner selves?" Sunny let out a sigh and replied, "Not anymore, my friend. I need a new job! Have any suggestions?"

Neo thought for a moment. Suddenly, he had an idea. Neo pulled two pills out of his pocket, one red and one blue. He held them out to Sunny and said, "After this there's no going back, Sunny. Take the blue pill, and the story ends. You wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. However…take the red pill, you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes…"

Sunny gave Neo a disgusted look and asked, "Are you saying you're going to have sex with me if I take the red pill?" Neo clenched his teeth in anger and tossed the red pill into Sunny's mouth with amazing speed. In a single split-second, Sunny's body erupted into light…and he vanished. Neo grinned and said, "I guess it's down the rabbit hole with you! LOL!"

* * *

Kim wasn't as lucky as Sunny and Madison, however. After walking for about 40 miles, she lost consciousness and fell asleep in the middle of the road. As she slept, images of naked Insect Aliens, her brother, Madison in a sex position, and a piece of toast filled her mind. Kim grumbled and muttered, "Uhh…must lick butter off…. Madison or toast?"

Suddenly, Kim just realized something. She finally learned what her true destiny in life is. Kim slowly opened her eyes and stood up. "I MUST DEFEAT THE EVIL BEE-LIKE ALIENS SO THAT THEY WON'T STEAL MY TOAST!" With that goal in mind, Kim beat up a nearby biker, stole his motorcycle, and drove off to fulfill her destiny…

* * *

Li'l D was very unfortunate, indeed. Not only was he hit by a bus, but now he's suddenly become the new lead singer to N Sync. "BUT…BUT I THOUGHT YOU GUYS DIED!!" cried the boy. Lance put a 'pedophilic' arm around Li'l D and said, "Don't worry, my little friend! You'll be safe with us!"

The other members all laughed at the same time with a creepy demonic undertone. Li'l D gulped and thought, 'These guys are gonna rape me!"

* * *

Philly Phil chuckled evilly as he collected the package for him at the door. He had to wait four long minutes, but his Xenomorph egg had finally arrived! He quickly ran upstairs and set the box on his bed. Carefully and slowly, Phil opened the box.

Suddenly, something small and slippery shot out of the box and latched itself onto Phil's face. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Phil screamed like a little girl as he ran around the room like a constipated sausage. Just as Phil was about to slam his head against the wall, the little alien detached itself and died.

Phil let out a sigh of relief. But it was short-lived as a small worm-like alien suddenly burst out of his chest. Then, Philly Phil died once and for all. However, this Xenomorph baby has certain plans for our magical-haired corpse…


End file.
